Unexpected reactions

So I went through my skipped messages on my phone tonight--the ones I haven't deleted. They went like this:
Message #1: Carly--so good to hear her voice! Plus it made me smile because the message was about 5 minutes long and I totally love that.
Message #2: My sister--she called to say that she had emailed me the results of a survey I had sent her for her daughter to take (long story), but reminded me that I have family that loves me enough to do obnoxious favors for me.
Message #3: Jessee--calling about dessert night at her apartment which proved to be a good time with old friends even if it was somewhat tainted by awkward altercations.
Message #4: Getting this call struck terror into my heart. Sounds melodramatic, but sadly true. I have a...I guess you would call it a policy...of not answering my phone when I don't recognize the number. Yesterday I didn't pick up a call because of said policy though this always leaves me curious about who it was and blast it all they didn't leave a message. But I decided to glance through my ward list to see if it was someone in the ward and low and behold it was...a boy. This is where the fear and dread come in and honestly I didn't expect them. I did my best to push them out of my mind, but low and behold he called again today and left me a message (blast!). I was honestly too terrified to check my messages for about 3 hours. Just giving myself time to relax, gain my composure, and figure out a game plan. I really didn't expect to react so adversely to this. I figured I was bound to get asked out again some day, but I wasn't prepared for how I would feel--just sick inside. I think I can say without hesitation at this point: I HATE dating. Not a minor dislike or annoyance, but a true loathing. Chalk it up to bad experiences, or a bad attitude, but the thought strikes fear and terror in me. I talked to my mom about it and as I was talking to her I thought--I'll just tell him I'm not dating right now--relief swept over me as the thought crossed my mind and I started to calm down again. I guess just the reminder that I don't have to go out with anyone was a relief because so often I guess I feel like it is my duty to go out with someone. And then if I go out with someone I have to be a good date, because it would be really jerky to go out with someone and be a bad date. But then if I'm a good date that increases the chance that they will ask me out again and that just perpetuates the mad cycle of pain and torture. I guess I'm coming to this realization: if it is too hard for me to date, at least at this point, I feel like it is ok for me to say that to someone.

So with some of those thoughts in my mind I decided I was up to checking my messages. Surprisingly, I did not freak out when I heard his message. I just felt very calm--what he suggested seems very low key (a trip to the museum) and frankly...do able. Don't get me wrong the thought of a more high powered date still totally freaks me out, but this little faux date doesn't sound too bad--just people getting to know each other. Plus, bless his heart, he sounds sort of nervous (he's a fairly shy guy so I'm guessing this took some guts--however, I could be wrong maybe it was a piece of cake for him. Do boys realize that as nervous as they are to ask someone out, she is possibly just as nervous to accept the invitation?) Well needless to say I think I may just accept the invitation--much to my own surprise I'm feeling mostly calm and collected, but dating still freaks me out. I need a game plan. Seriously!

Oh by the way, should said boy read this blog (I don't think he will, but who knows) it's seriously not anything personal to you. Plus, this is probably way more information than you wanted to know about my inner thoughts anyways.

Really that last statement goes for anyone who reads this. Sorry my blog is turning into a self-therapy session, but it's keeping me sane. Well that...and finger painting. Maybe if I get a new camera someday I'll post some of my fine finger painting pieces. Be prepared to be impressed! hahaha!