Indiana Adventures

So let me just start by saying I am SO GLAD to be at home and not sitting in an airport, or on airplane or other type of moving vehicle. Whew! But I am very grateful that all the traveling went so smoothly. I made it to the airport on time (leaving Provo at 4am on Thursday) made my connecting flight and found once I arrived in Indianapolis I the airport shuttle without a problem. So I arrived Thursday afternoon a little after 4 Indiana time got settled into my hotel, met my roommate (who I gratefully got along with quite well) and called one of my two host grad students to let her know I had arrived. That evening a group of us went out to dinner together (the grad students were supposed to show us "a good time"--potentially scary right?) it was really low key and my other grad student host (Amber) is LDS so they are familiar with our non-drinking-partying ways. So it was just a good time! We went to eat at this Irish pub--fun! Though I was too chicken to try any of the Irishy food this time around. The really nice thing about West Lafayette is that it is a smoke free city--meaning no smoking in bars/pubs/bowling alleys etc. So no choking on second hand smoke even though we were in a pub--hurray!

So the next morning we have a 9am breakfast with all the prospective DS [(developmental studies)--about 5 students] and FS [(family studies)--just me!] grad students that made it for the weekend and a faculty member and some current grad students. They talked a little about what classes we would be taking, how prelims work, what our assistantships would be etc. That lasted about an hour and half. Then we split up for individual half hour meetings with faculty. I met with my temp adviser first. His name is Shawn and his research emphasis is siblings. He swore in our little interview and then apologized--haha funny--the perks of having another LDS student in the program. He seems like a pretty straight forward guy, pretty young too so he still remembers to some degree what grad school is like. He really encouraged me to talk to the current grad students to really get a feel for what the program was like--sound advice which I had already gotten from my brother so I took it as a good sign of someone who is more forth right. So then I met with a second faculty member who studies work and family which sounds interesting and we had a really good chat during our time together. Then Amber (grad host who is LDS) took me over to the Institute on campus to meet some people and that was pretty good. I got to see a guy from an old ward here at BYU that I was trying to meet up with so that was good. Then we went back to have lunch with the graduate students and I met some nice people there. After that we went to what is called "seminar" Usually someone comes and lectures, but this week they had some of the grad students present research projects they have been doing. After that I went and met with Judy who would be my supervisor for my assistantship. We talked about what I would be doing working for her doing Cooperative Extension work. It would involve mostly working on websites and doing some data entry and number crunching, but it sounds pretty cool. After that I got a quick drive through of campus and then it was back to a final meeting with one last faculty member. She studies health and marriage and we talked for a bit and then Amber drove me around to look at housing and just gave me a tour of the general area. (Funny thing about this area of Indiana...it is actually cheaper to buy then it is to rent! So there is a remote possibility if I go there that I would buy a house) So after Amber drives me around we go back to her place play with her kids for a bit and then head out to a dinner with the faculty and grad students. We had some good food and funny conversation. One current grad student was always asking "do I have to be Mormon?" when we would talk about different things we do like institute and enrichment groups--it was pretty funny!

So I get back to my hotel about 9:30 totally pooped and wired from all of the input. I called mom and talked her little ear off about all things I had learned and what not--poor mom! And then it was off to bed and off to the airport the next morning to finally be back in Provo sitting on my own couch instead of an airplane, shuttle or other moving vehicle. Whew!

So overall the trip was good. I was really glad I went, but it feels like there is so much to process. Do I feel any closer to making a decision?---maybe not. Some moments I feel more frustrated than ever. It seems to be such a big decision; it will really influence the next few years of my life and really impact my future professional career as well. Going to visit made it that much more real and I found myself asking "is this really what I want to do with my life?" Hmmmm I don't know that I have an answer to that question and I don't know that I will have one until I actually go and try it out. (sigh) I feel like I was taught by my culture that the only real purpose and meaning there is in this life comes from being a wife and mother. So what about this? How do I find the purpose and meaning in it? How do I crowd out the voices that are telling me that PhD is a bad word (at least for an LDS woman)? How do I know that this is where God needs and wants me to be? I guess I just need to ask Heavenly Father more of these questions and seek for the answers--it is just hard to take those steps into uncharted territory--No I don't come from pioneer stock, but I certainly feel like a pioneer in my own right. Shoot, this is hard!

Curly or straight?

So I have a theory about straight hair and curly hair. My theory is strictly based on personal experience, but here goes. Whenever I wear my hair curly I tend to get many compliments from girls. I have been stopped by complete strangers that tell me how beautiful they think my hair is (not to be conceited, but it has seriously happened). These strangers, however, are always girls, and never boys. Coincidence? I think not. Now alternately there have been several times in my life time where a young man has complimented my hair when it is straight. Occasionally a girl has complimented my straight hair, but the majority of these compliments come from young men. Soooo....here's the question: Do boys prefer straight hair to curly hair and if so why? The follow up question to this is why do girls love curly hair when it appears that boys like straight hair?

So here is my answer to these burning questions. Yes, I believe boys prefer straight hair. Maybe it is because curly hair is way too much natural woman (not in the fallen sense but more along the lines of that song written by Carol King and Gerry Goffin, immortalized by Aretha Franklin). The straight hair also coincides with cultural norms of beauty (few models sport ringlets, let's be honest). But now is the question of girls--if straight hair is the culturally preferred norm of men why do girls love curly hair? Well this is what I think. When I wear my hair curly I tend to do some sort of Anne of Green Gables/Jane Austen heroine-esque updos and such. I think this is what really gets the girls! They identify with those female heroines. Curly hair is just sort of romantic (not in the guy-girl sense, but just... I don't know how to explain it really, but romantic is the word that comes to mind).

Ok so I'm laughing at myself right now. Clearly I think too much about such things, but I think it's interesting. Apparently so do other people--just try googling the question--lots of websites pop up addressing the question! One girl even performed a sort of experiment which was pretty interesting (http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/24138/41884-curly-vs--straight--which-do) I think when I get another camera (mine just broke--bummer!) I may try something to test my theory. What do you think? Well then there is always the question of the in between curl--you know sort of the soft big curl you do with a curling iron--oh man the quandaries never end!:)

Do you think they'd let me study hair preference in grad school?

Unexpected reactions

So I went through my skipped messages on my phone tonight--the ones I haven't deleted. They went like this:
Message #1: Carly--so good to hear her voice! Plus it made me smile because the message was about 5 minutes long and I totally love that.
Message #2: My sister--she called to say that she had emailed me the results of a survey I had sent her for her daughter to take (long story), but reminded me that I have family that loves me enough to do obnoxious favors for me.
Message #3: Jessee--calling about dessert night at her apartment which proved to be a good time with old friends even if it was somewhat tainted by awkward altercations.
Message #4: Getting this call struck terror into my heart. Sounds melodramatic, but sadly true. I have a...I guess you would call it a policy...of not answering my phone when I don't recognize the number. Yesterday I didn't pick up a call because of said policy though this always leaves me curious about who it was and blast it all they didn't leave a message. But I decided to glance through my ward list to see if it was someone in the ward and low and behold it was...a boy. This is where the fear and dread come in and honestly I didn't expect them. I did my best to push them out of my mind, but low and behold he called again today and left me a message (blast!). I was honestly too terrified to check my messages for about 3 hours. Just giving myself time to relax, gain my composure, and figure out a game plan. I really didn't expect to react so adversely to this. I figured I was bound to get asked out again some day, but I wasn't prepared for how I would feel--just sick inside. I think I can say without hesitation at this point: I HATE dating. Not a minor dislike or annoyance, but a true loathing. Chalk it up to bad experiences, or a bad attitude, but the thought strikes fear and terror in me. I talked to my mom about it and as I was talking to her I thought--I'll just tell him I'm not dating right now--relief swept over me as the thought crossed my mind and I started to calm down again. I guess just the reminder that I don't have to go out with anyone was a relief because so often I guess I feel like it is my duty to go out with someone. And then if I go out with someone I have to be a good date, because it would be really jerky to go out with someone and be a bad date. But then if I'm a good date that increases the chance that they will ask me out again and that just perpetuates the mad cycle of pain and torture. I guess I'm coming to this realization: if it is too hard for me to date, at least at this point, I feel like it is ok for me to say that to someone.

So with some of those thoughts in my mind I decided I was up to checking my messages. Surprisingly, I did not freak out when I heard his message. I just felt very calm--what he suggested seems very low key (a trip to the museum) and frankly...do able. Don't get me wrong the thought of a more high powered date still totally freaks me out, but this little faux date doesn't sound too bad--just people getting to know each other. Plus, bless his heart, he sounds sort of nervous (he's a fairly shy guy so I'm guessing this took some guts--however, I could be wrong maybe it was a piece of cake for him. Do boys realize that as nervous as they are to ask someone out, she is possibly just as nervous to accept the invitation?) Well needless to say I think I may just accept the invitation--much to my own surprise I'm feeling mostly calm and collected, but dating still freaks me out. I need a game plan. Seriously!

Oh by the way, should said boy read this blog (I don't think he will, but who knows) it's seriously not anything personal to you. Plus, this is probably way more information than you wanted to know about my inner thoughts anyways.

Really that last statement goes for anyone who reads this. Sorry my blog is turning into a self-therapy session, but it's keeping me sane. Well that...and finger painting. Maybe if I get a new camera someday I'll post some of my fine finger painting pieces. Be prepared to be impressed! hahaha!

Frustrations

Oh man--I just need to vent a little. Well really I just need to write out my feelings a little in hopes that they will make more sense to me. So here is the scenario:
I have this friend who did something rather obnoxious and then posted pictures of it on facebook for all the world to see. So since I fall into the "all the world" category I saw them. The obnoxious act sort of related to me in the sense that this friend was somewhere where they shouldn't have been, this same somewhere being a place that I have rightful access to, but they do not. I found this highly irritating. It was just this big show off of look how sneaky and funny I am--when this friend was not being sneaky or funny at all.

A few days later some friends had a get together and this friend was there and this incident came up. I spoke fairly strongly to my friend about how I felt about it. No yelling or screaming or anything, but just clearly stating that I thought it was obnoxious, that my friend had no right to be there and in fact could probably get in trouble for being there, and that it really bothered me that this friend was bragging about being there. It ended up being more of a big deal than I intended and this friend was fairly upset that I had said anything.

So I go home and I start to feel guilty about it having become such a public ordeal in front of our other friends. So I decide to email my friend and let them know that I didn't mean for it to become such a big deal in front of our other friends and also to let my friend know that the only reason I said anything was because I care about this friend and think that such behavior is so far above them. Then I notice that my friend is online so then I just send my friend a little google chat message saying the above. Well then my friend replies and it's fairly clear that my friend was still upset (though my friend had not shown this much the previous night) and blames me entirely. Like "geez I wish Katy wasn't such a stupid over reactor about stuff that doesn't even matter and she's such a jerk for saying something" sort of vibe was coming through. Well that just made me mad--even though I was trying hard not to be and I just really wanted to say "well I'm glad your feelings are the only ones that matter, because clearly you don't give a rip that your obnoxious act is upsetting to me--the only thing that matters to you is that somebody stood up to you in a group of people and stated firmly that they didn't agree with you. And really your self centered attitude--you know the one where you only care about your own feelings--is what lead you to do the obnoxious act in the first place. You should grow up and stop screwing around with your life acting like you have no clue what is going wrong. I can tell you what is going wrong--you still act like a 5 year old!"

So that is what I wanted to say, but I didn't. I just tried to apologize for how I handled things and not what I said and then I got offline quick before I said something I would need to apologize for. Dah! It was seriously irritating; irritating in a way that I haven't been irritated in a long time. I think what irritates me the most is I think my friend is capable of so much more. My friend could take someone else's position and say "I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset anyone and you are clearly upset." But no my friend abdicates all responsibility and instead I am the mean friend for saying"hey I disagree and this is upsetting to me." I really don't like to be irritated, but this one just really got to me and again I really think it is because I believe my friend is capable of so much more, but just doesn't want to put out the effort.

Man I really didn't mean to make into a big deal and it has been surprising how button pushing this incident has been for me. Though in reality I think it was probably the straw that broke the camel's back--leading from string of events that started last summer. Why do so many friendships fail? Why do I feel like more and more people won't stand up for what they believe is right if it will ripple the waters let alone rock the boat? Don't we owe to each other to tell our friends honestly and as kindly as possible when we see things amiss? And I don't mean telling a friend every little thing we think they do wrong, but more so when it is something that affects our relationship with them? I certainly hope any of you who read this and think I behave in self-destructive ways will pipe right up and tell me. Seriously! I want to be a better person. I want to improve my life, but how will I know if no one will ever tell me things. I'm not talking about a friend in an irritable mood lashing out, but a friend who is honestly irritated/upset/ concerned about me.

Well I am feeling a bit more calm, but it has still been a very upsetting experience and I am sad to say that I think my friend and I will probably not be much of friends any more. Though to be perfectly honest it has been going that way for the last few months--we are choosing different paths and I am become increasingly less likely to conform to social expectations, especially for "niceness" not genuine kindness but "niceness."I'm not sucking up to people anymore--or at least I'm trying not. Not that I was ever a really blatant suck up, but I'm really trying to be honestly myself instead of being someone who people come to in order to feel good about themselves even when they should be feeling bad about themselves in the sort of way that leads us to be humble and seek out the Lord in a repentant fashion so He can help our weak things become strong.

Whew! That was quite the tirade. I wish I could say I won't be irritated at my friend anymore, but no doubt I will be. But I sure am going to try not to feel guilty for being who I am and standing up for what I believe in and maybe in the process make room for some new friends in my life that don't expect me to validate what they do even when I think it is wrong. Oh and I really wasn't kidding about people giving me pointers of things I can work on. I KNOW I am far, very very very very very (I can't type enough "very"s) far from perfection and would appreciate and welcome any and all constructive criticism--I don't promise to take it (nice disclaimer right:)) but I do promise to seriously consider and examine my life and behavior in order to change what I think the Lord wants me to change. I love you all (my upsetting friend included)!!!

Bits and pieces

So I'm not really sure what I'm going to write about today, but I figured it has been too long since I have written anything at all. What's the old addage? Something lame is better than nothing at all--ok so I totally made that up, but I'm going to believe that it is true so I will actually write on my blog all lameness accounted for.
Well this week has been pretty much like all the previous weeks of this semester--trying to motivate myself to catch up in my classes and failing--though this week I didn't fail as miserably as I have in past weeks! Hurray! Progress is progress right? Although, funny story, I was supposed to share my favorite scripture about repentance in Relief Society today--yeah someone forgot, well actually just didn't know, that we were supposed to set our clocks ahead one hour. Haha! Yes siree I sure did show up an hour late to church and since we have Priesthood/R.S. first I missed R.S. entirely--whoops! In other church news I am giving a talk on Easter Sunday (no pressure!), but actually I am feeling pretty excited about preparing it--just not giving it so much. Oh and it just wouldn't be Sunday without someone asking me if I was new in the ward--wahoo! Maybe someday, like when I'm about to leave, people will stop asking me that:) Maybe not though, who knows??
In other news, I still haven't heard back about the details of funding from Purdue or Iowa State. It's making me a little antsy. My flight isn't booked yet, but I am supposed to be heading out to Purdue for a visit at the end of March. Most likely all by my lonesome which scares me a little bit, but I suppose I should just brace myself for a life of adventure instead of flinching every time one comes my way. I am looking forward, with some fear and trepidation, to getting a feel for the school and seeing if it is really a possibility for me or not.

In other funny news I saw this list and thought it was pretty funny. Having lived in Oregon myself for a few years I found it quite amusing!
You know you're from Oregon when:

You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans in the trash.

You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.

You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."

You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or people from California.

You complain about Californians as you sell your house to one for twice as much as you originally paid.

You go out of state and wait in your car for someone to pump your gas.

You are more concerned about packing a sweatshirt or a jacket when going to the beach than packing a bathing suit.