Oh man--I just need to vent a little. Well really I just need to write out my feelings a little in hopes that they will make more sense to me. So here is the scenario:
I have this friend who did something rather obnoxious and then posted pictures of it on facebook for all the world to see. So since I fall into the "all the world" category I saw them. The obnoxious act sort of related to me in the sense that this friend was somewhere where they shouldn't have been, this same somewhere being a place that I have rightful access to, but they do not. I found this highly irritating. It was just this big show off of look how sneaky and funny I am--when this friend was not being sneaky or funny at all.
A few days later some friends had a get together and this friend was there and this incident came up. I spoke fairly strongly to my friend about how I felt about it. No yelling or screaming or anything, but just clearly stating that I thought it was obnoxious, that my friend had no right to be there and in fact could probably get in trouble for being there, and that it really bothered me that this friend was bragging about being there. It ended up being more of a big deal than I intended and this friend was fairly upset that I had said anything.
So I go home and I start to feel guilty about it having become such a public ordeal in front of our other friends. So I decide to email my friend and let them know that I didn't mean for it to become such a big deal in front of our other friends and also to let my friend know that the only reason I said anything was because I care about this friend and think that such behavior is so far above them. Then I notice that my friend is online so then I just send my friend a little google chat message saying the above. Well then my friend replies and it's fairly clear that my friend was still upset (though my friend had not shown this much the previous night) and blames me entirely. Like "geez I wish Katy wasn't such a stupid over reactor about stuff that doesn't even matter and she's such a jerk for saying something" sort of vibe was coming through. Well that just made me mad--even though I was trying hard not to be and I just really wanted to say "well I'm glad your feelings are the only ones that matter, because clearly you don't give a rip that your obnoxious act is upsetting to me--the only thing that matters to you is that somebody stood up to you in a group of people and stated firmly that they didn't agree with you. And really your self centered attitude--you know the one where you only care about your own feelings--is what lead you to do the obnoxious act in the first place. You should grow up and stop screwing around with your life acting like you have no clue what is going wrong. I can tell you what is going wrong--you still act like a 5 year old!"
So that is what I wanted to say, but I didn't. I just tried to apologize for how I handled things and not what I said and then I got offline quick before I said something I would need to apologize for. Dah! It was seriously irritating; irritating in a way that I haven't been irritated in a long time. I think what irritates me the most is I think my friend is capable of so much more. My friend could take someone else's position and say "I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset anyone and you are clearly upset." But no my friend abdicates all responsibility and instead I am the mean friend for saying"hey I disagree and this is upsetting to me." I really don't like to be irritated, but this one just really got to me and again I really think it is because I believe my friend is capable of so much more, but just doesn't want to put out the effort.
Man I really didn't mean to make into a big deal and it has been surprising how button pushing this incident has been for me. Though in reality I think it was probably the straw that broke the camel's back--leading from string of events that started last summer. Why do so many friendships fail? Why do I feel like more and more people won't stand up for what they believe is right if it will ripple the waters let alone rock the boat? Don't we owe to each other to tell our friends honestly and as kindly as possible when we see things amiss? And I don't mean telling a friend every little thing we think they do wrong, but more so when it is something that affects our relationship with them? I certainly hope any of you who read this and think I behave in self-destructive ways will pipe right up and tell me. Seriously! I want to be a better person. I want to improve my life, but how will I know if no one will ever tell me things. I'm not talking about a friend in an irritable mood lashing out, but a friend who is honestly irritated/upset/ concerned about me.
Well I am feeling a bit more calm, but it has still been a very upsetting experience and I am sad to say that I think my friend and I will probably not be much of friends any more. Though to be perfectly honest it has been going that way for the last few months--we are choosing different paths and I am become increasingly less likely to conform to social expectations, especially for "niceness" not genuine kindness but "niceness."I'm not sucking up to people anymore--or at least I'm trying not. Not that I was ever a really blatant suck up, but I'm really trying to be honestly myself instead of being someone who people come to in order to feel good about themselves even when they should be feeling bad about themselves in the sort of way that leads us to be humble and seek out the Lord in a repentant fashion so He can help our weak things become strong.
Whew! That was quite the tirade. I wish I could say I won't be irritated at my friend anymore, but no doubt I will be. But I sure am going to try not to feel guilty for being who I am and standing up for what I believe in and maybe in the process make room for some new friends in my life that don't expect me to validate what they do even when I think it is wrong. Oh and I really wasn't kidding about people giving me pointers of things I can work on. I KNOW I am far, very very very very very (I can't type enough "very"s) far from perfection and would appreciate and welcome any and all constructive criticism--I don't promise to take it (nice disclaimer right:)) but I do promise to seriously consider and examine my life and behavior in order to change what I think the Lord wants me to change. I love you all (my upsetting friend included)!!!
2 comments:
Oh, Katy, I am sorry. I hate that when you honestly are honestly trying to help and be honest, and they don't take it that way. Hopefully he or she is able to cool down and see that your intention wasn't to attack him (why do I guess that it was a him??) or her. It is a mark of a good friendship when you can honestly give corrective feedback. I have noticed that people (probably myself included) when confronted by different opinions or ways of doing things. Good luck!
PS!! I am coming to PROVO next week and WANT TO SEE YOU!!
Katy,
I feel for you. I had a similar incident recently visiting teaching and a topic came up that was button pushing to me (seems to be quite a few of them). The sister I vt called me back later that day and we had quite the talk. What was hard was not to discount what I originally said, she just kept apologizing and just kept saying she was fine. I should have probably said, thank you, I appreciate your concern, or something like that. For me that is what is hard, what do you say without discounting yourself? I want to be truthful, but forgiving as well. I have a lot to learn! love you Katy!
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